Expat children struggle to make friends in the Netherlands, and this is a real obstacle for expat families. How can you help them?
You moved to the Netherlands with your family, full of enthusiasm about this new start. But soon, you notice that your child struggles to connect with Dutch peers. Even though they may already speak some Dutch, play dates remain out of the question, and your child sometimes feels left out. Why is this? In this article, you will discover the main social and cultural obstacles and what you, as a parent, can do to help your child feel at home.
Why do expat children struggle? Why is it so tricky to connect with Dutch peers?
As an international parent, you want nothing more than for your child to feel happy and make friends in the new environment. Yet many expat parents find that their children struggle to connect with Dutch peers. Even though their child may already speak (some) Dutch, it doesn’t remain easy to really become part of the group. What is the reason? In this article, we discuss the social and cultural factors that play a role, supported by scientific insights.
1. Expat children struggle because the class and friend groups they enter have a past
Dutch school classes are stable: many children are with the same classmates for years, so the group dynamics are already fixed. According to Social Identity Theory (Tajfel & Turner, 1979), people have a natural preference for their “ingroup” and view newcomers as an “outgroup. For an expatriate child who is new to the classroom and not yet familiar with social dynamics, this may mean that it is difficult to penetrate existing friendships.
2. Direct communication vs. politeness
Dutch children generally communicate directly and say what they think. This may be perceived as blunt or unfriendly by children from cultures where politeness and indirect communication are more important. Geert Hofstede’s Culture Dimensions Theory (1980) shows that the Netherlands has an individualistic and direct culture, while expat children often come from collectivistic cultures where social harmony and respect for authority are more important. This can lead to misunderstandings when interacting with Dutch peers.
3. Expat children struggle because being “different” is seen as strange among Dutch peers
Children are naturally curious, but unfamiliar habits or accents can also cause an expatriate child to be seen as “different. This sometimes leads to subtle forms of exclusion, such as not being invited to play dates or birthday parties. For an expat child already dealing with the challenges of a new language and culture, this can make integration more difficult and increase feelings of loneliness.
4. ‘Do it normally’ culture vs. international ambition
Many international families encourage their children to excel and be proud of their achievements. In the Netherlands, however, there is a mentality of “act normal, you’ll be crazy enough,” related to the Tall Poppy Syndrome (Peeters, 2004). Children who over-profile themselves can therefore be seen as ‘boastful’. This can be difficult for expat children who are used to sharing and celebrating successes.
5. Expat children also struggle because of big differences in school attitudes
Expat children are often used to asking questions in class and actively participating in discussions, while Dutch children sometimes label school as “boring” or “stupid” and ask fewer questions (PISA reports, OECD). This may cause expat children to come across differently in class and find it harder to connect.
6. The role of language: more than just words
Even if an expat child speaks Dutch, they may still have difficulty with social nuances, humor, and sarcasm. Cummins’ (1979) BICS-CALP theory shows that everyday language skills (BICS) are picked up quickly, but deeper language skills (CALP), necessary for social integration, can take years to develop. As a result, a child who speaks grammatically correct Dutch may still have difficulty following informal conversations with peers and feeling truly part of the group.
7. When expat children struggle, parents feel powerless
Many expat parents feel frustrated because they cannot properly support their children in understanding the social dynamics in Dutch groups. They often do not master the Dutch language well enough to help their child with social nuances, humor, or typical group culture. This can reinforce feelings of helplessness and isolation, both in the child and in the parents themselves. It can also lead to uncertainty about how best to guide their child to integrate into Dutch society.
What can parents and schools do?
Fortunately, there are ways to narrow the gap:
- Create awareness: Teachers can break through ingroup-outgroup thinking by encouraging social inclusion.
- Provide language support: Extra attention to informal language helps expat children participate faster.
- Promote cultural exchange: Getting international and Dutch children to collaborate on projects and cultural events.
- Use sports and clubs as integration tools: Participation in sports teams or music clubs helps with social interaction.
- Guide parents in realistic expectations: It often takes longer than expected for a child to truly become part of a social group.
- Taking Dutch language classes: By learning the language, parents not only better understand what is going on in their child’s social world but can also better help with integration.
Expat children struggle but it is reversible!
Connecting with Dutch peers can be challenging for expat children due to language barriers, cultural differences, and social structures that are already established. Parents may feel powerless because they cannot properly guide their children through these processes. By consciously dealing with these differences and actively promoting social inclusion, parents and schools can help expat children feel more at home in the Netherlands.
0 Comments